From People Pleasing to the Power of Saying “No”

Have you ever done something simply because it was expected of you? Welcome to the world of People Pleasing.

Confessions of a Former People Pleaser

During the summer, our local high school basketball coach—let’s call him Mr. B—drove an ice cream truck. One day, he spotted me on the playground, standing head-and-shoulders above the other kids, and decided my future: I was going to play basketball for him in high school.

He didn’t ask if I liked basketball or even I wanted to play. Mr. B just told me I was going to play for him. I remember nodding along, feeling that familiar tug to go along with whatever adults said.

At the time I was playing basketball in a rec league at my elementary school. The game came easily (I was taller than everyone else), and I loved being active, and loved to play.

Summer after summer, every time I saw Mr. B in his ice cream truck he reminded me that he couldn’t wait for me to play for him. Basketball in high school became part of the plan, part of my future was already written. Without ever deciding, I took it as fact. It never occurred to me to say “No.”

An adult told me I was going to do something. So, I would do it. I let Mr. B’s expectations, my dad’s hopes, even my classmates’ assumptions about being “the tall girl” crowd out my own desires.

Except… by the time I hit high school, I didn’t enjoy basketball anymore. The once playful game now felt combative. The physical person-to-person aggressiveness required to play competitively went against something deep inside me. Rather than embracing it as a hint, I assumed it was a flaw.

I kept playing, believing I must still like it because everyone expected me to.

The funny thing? I didn’t even realize until years later, that I actually hated it.

This is what people-pleasers do: we absorb others’ wants and assume they’re our own. We become so good at saying “yes” that we forget “no” is even an option. I’d put so much time and energy into making people happy, fitting into their mold, that I didn’t even know what I wanted.

I know my experience isn’t unique. It reflects a bigger issue: from a young age, girls in particular are taught to please. We’re encouraged to put others’ needs and desires above our own. We’re told it’s “nice,” even “polite.” But in reality, it sets us up for struggles with anxiety, depression, and perfectionism.

We’re taught to look pleasing, act pleasant, to make others happy without considering our own happiness. But the thing is, while we’re so busy trying not to let others down, we’re letting down the only person who’s happiness we actually have control over: ours.

When people-pleasing becomes so deeply ingrained, we don’t even notice. This is where mindfulness comes in.

Mindfulness lets us take a step back and see these patterns clearly, maybe for the first time. For me, yoga was the turning point. Yoga was the first time anyone asked me what I liked, what felt good in my body, what I wanted. It opened the door to the most empowering word I’ve ever learned: “No.”

Saying “no” wasn’t easy. It felt uncomfortable and unnatural. But every time I said it, I felt a deep relief—like my body was releasing a breath I didn’t know I’d been holding.

I still catch myself in old patterns sometimes, slipping back into people-pleasing. But with mindful awareness, I recognize it, step back, and do a “gut check.” Literally. I feel disconnected from myself physically in my belly.

I can ask, “Is this what I want?” It’s a practice, and every time I choose myself, I’m honoring that kid who wanted to play just for the joy of it.

So I’ll ask you: What would you do if no one was watching?… If no one was expecting anything from you?

It might feel strange – perhaps a little selfish at first. But trust me, in the long run, it’s the most self-honoring and liberating choice you can make.

As a parent, this is what I hope to teach and model for my kids: To never let anyone else’s expectations or desires supersede their own.

Confession time: When is the last time you let someone else make a choice for you? What would you have chosen instead? ~ Karin